Thursday, February 9, 2017

Love doesn’t have to be perfect but authentic

couple and sexuality

Each person has his own ideas about love, even if is difficult to break away completely from the popular imagination. In fact, romantic movies and childhood stories transmit, in one way or another, an idealized image of love, an image that has been established in our unconscious and determines our choices. So, without realizing it, we search for the "perfect" person, and when surges the slightest problem we question the relationship, thinking that we made the wrong choice.

Of course, there is nothing wrong in searching for a person who shares our interests and values and goes in the same direction than us. In fact, we shouldn’t resign with less. But this does not mean that we should seek perfection, among other reasons, because it doesn’t exist.

To enjoy a full love it isn’t necessary that this would be perfect, but authentic, this means that both people must have done an hard inner work. Love needs a place to feel safe, it needs both to exist and survive, so if one doesn’t love enough himself/herself won’t be able to love others.

The value of authenticity in the couple

Being authentic means simply being what we are, without wearing masks. An authentic person is a coherent person, who acts according to his ideas and emotions. But in everyday life is not always easy to be authentic because sometimes we have to adapt ourselves to play social roles that involve wearing masks.

In fact, when we meet someone who attracts us and we try to impress this person showing our best side, we are wearing a mask. And we are so used to embody different roles that they are already part of our lives so much that some of us have even forgotten their "self”.

However, in a relationship the lack of authenticity is harmful because it involves constantly acting, which is tiring.

If you need to play a role with your partner is because, after all, you think he/she will not accept or love your authentic “self”, so you prefer to hide it, or at least in part.

Obviously, a relationship of this kind is stressful and, at the end, won’t make you happy but only generate deep dissatisfaction, a dissatisfaction for not being able to be yourself, because you think you will be judged. It is a very unpleasant feeling that, sooner or later, will damage the relationship.

The lack of authenticity is also distrust

In a way, not being authentic with your partner means also you don’t fully trust him/her, have some preconceptions about him/her and believe that he/she will judge you negatively. For this reason we prefer to hide some aspects of our true “self”.

But this does not give to the other the opportunity to decide, to know us intimately, with our strengths and weaknesses. Interposing this barrier we'll be also sending the message that we do not want to know him/her, so it is likely that the other person will feel rejected or judged.

In contrast, when both people behave authentically exchange a very clear message: "You are important enough for me that I can interact without masks, showing you my essence without any fear." Only by this interaction it may arise the full acceptance, which will open the way to a mature and constructive love.

The myth of the better half implies that there is someone somewhere in the world made for us. However, in reality, love doesn’t consist in meeting the perfect person, specially made for us, but gradually change along the way, because we become aware that this is the person we want next to us.

This illustrator could not express it better with these tender images that show us that love has its roots in being authentic and enjoy what we like in the other's company:


Keep feeding your neurons

Love doesn’t have to be perfect but authentic
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Jennifer Delgado Suárez

Psicologist by profession and passion, dedicated to to string words together. Discover my Books


Psychology as you never heard about...

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