Monday, October 24, 2016

Better alone than with someone who makes us feel alone


There are moments when we feel lonely, even if we are surrounded by people. Being with others does not imply connect with them. For example, at a party where you don’t take part of, you don’t just get bored but also feel excluded, strange and lonely. But sooner or later the party is over, and you’re back home and get rid of these unpleasant sensations.

The problem starts when people with whom we interact every day, people who should be emotionally closet o us, make us feel lonely. If we don’t realize right away this “accompanied loneliness” or simply don’t know how to end this situation, we will be invaded by a huge vacuum and suffer emotional wounds difficult to heal.

The signs that we are alone, even if we are in good company

We tend to think that once we find a partner or after the first child, we won’t feel alone anymore. Unfortunately that’s not true. The kind of relationship we establish and the conflicts that arise over time can make that, even if accompanied, we feel alone and misunderstood. But sometimes we need too much time to understand from where it comes the feeling of emptiness and let years pass before we address the problem. At that point, our emotional balance will be deteriorated.

The good news is that we can prevent the situation get worse, simply recognizing the signs that we are alone, even if we have someone on our side:

- The person who should motivate you in your new projects and ideas, discourages you and creates obstacles.

- The person who should support you in difficult times put the blame on you for what happens and washes his hands.

- The person who should share your interests, constantly criticizes you and does not consider your tastes and needs.

- The person who should be near you don’t pass quality time with you, so you don’t feel understood or loved.

- The person who should help you grow and improve, makes you feel inferior.

Emotional wounds generated by the accompanied lonliness

Spending time with the wrong person can become a very bad experience which will open deep emotional wounds. In these cases it tend to appear also a deep sense of guilt. In fact, the problem is often that this type of solitude is experienced as a rejection. So, slowly, this person will feel more and more inadequate and unworthy of affection, then his/her self-esteem will be destroyed. If the situation is not resolved in time it can surge depression, by the moment the person sinks into a state of apathy and lose the joy of living.

On the other hand, sometimes this person tries to do everything possible to attract the attention of the others. Thus, the search for approval may end up turning him/her into a puppet in their hands. At this point, his/her mood and self-esteem depend on the attention, the praise or criticism of the others, which will take him/her on an emotional roller coaster that will eventually cause him/her great imbalances.

Why is it so hard to break away from it all?

Deciding to end a relationship that makes us really feel alone can be quite complicated for different reasons.

- Nothing is black and white. In interpersonal relationships nothing is black and white. This means that perhaps that person that makes us feel alone today, once was a source of joy, support and satisfaction. Those memories keep us bound to the past, avoiding the present problems.

- Fear to leave the comfort zone. Although we are aware that we are not going through our best moment, we may be accustomed to this situation and have found a balance within the malaise, and we fear that our decision can worst things. Habits and routines are very powerful factors that keep us tied to situations that make us sick.

- Rejection of "failure". On many occasions, when we decide to give him/her a second, third or fourth chance, in reality we’re giving it to ourselves. Some people believe, for example, that divorce means having failed and are reluctant to accept it, trying to rekindle a relationship that is already dead.

Loneliness by choice: Enjoying your company is an extraordinary gift

Abandoning a relationship where we feel alone, a relationship that, instead of satisfying our needs creates problems and shortcomings, is an act of self-love and, in many cases, even survival. Worrying about your psychological balance and give yourself another chance, is really the best gift you can give to yourself.

At this point it is not necessary to look immediately for another person to fill the void, but we should learn to feel good about ourselves, enjoy our company and do the things we like. We have to take this as a phase of growth and discovery, to accept us and close the wounds that left us that relationship.

The English poet John Milton already told it in the seventeenth century: “Loneliness is sometimes the best company, and a brief exile makes sweet return”.


Keep feeding your neurons

Better alone than with someone who makes us feel alone

Jennifer Delgado Suárez

Psicologist by profession and passion, dedicated to string words together. Discover my Books


Psychology as you never heard about...

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