Wednesday, October 5, 2016

5 wounds from childhood that determine how you will be educating your children

education

Perhaps, when you look at the past, you feel nostalgia for your childhood, for the incredible happiness that you felt during those years and the good times you lived. It may also be that your childhood was not exactly a bed of roses, and you don’t like to remember it.

Anyway, these experiences determine how you will be educating your children. Your childhood is revealed in your personality and the style of education that you assume as a parent. All these experiences, both positive and negative, turned you into the person that you are and determine in a greater or lesser extent, how you’ll raise your children.

The most widespread misconceptions that parents apply in the education of their children


1. “My children will have everything I never had”

This idea is quite common among people who had economic problems during their childhood, they could not have the same toys of their classmates or dress the same way, and they felt scorned or inferiors because of this. Thus, growing up, they tend to swear themselves that their children will never pass through the same experience but will have everything they never had.

Surely there's nothing wrong with buying toys, clothes and whatever else to their children. However, these parents often make the mistake of thinking that all these objects are sufficient to make their children happy. Tha’s not true! Too many toys anesthetize children. More important than material goods is that children spend quality time with their parents and, above all, that learn that they are unique and don’t need to have the same material things as the others to be happy. This is the only way to educate a confident child, who knows what he wants and that is not willing to follow the others without thinking.

2. “I will never do this to my children”

There are people still persecuted by childhood traumas. Perhaps it was the day when parents embarrassed them in front of classmates, or when didn’t buy them that dreamed toy, or when they chose to change city and school without consulting with them. That event left such a big and deep scar on the person, enough to make sure he will never do such a thing to his children.

The problem is that these parents plan their educational strategy based solely on what they should not do, using, as a model, a childhood trauma they never overcome. Normally this educational style ends leaves too much freedom to the child, because, for the fear to hurt him, parents don’t establish rules and become friends of their son. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with the fact that parents establish with their children a relationship based on friendship and trust, but they should not forget that rules and regulations are essential to give sense to children’s world. When a child grows up without rules will never know what is expected from him and chances he develop difficult behaviors increase.

3. “If it was enough for me, so it will be for my children”

Many parents tend to think they should replicate the conditions in which they grew. Usually these are people who think that children's character is forged through experimentation, and while tougher, the better is. These parents impose an authoritarian education, marked by limitations and strict rules, transforming the house into military barracks.

Of course, rules are important to ensure the co-existence in the family, but it is also necessary that children be free and develop their independence and autonomy. Moreover, we must not forget that every person is different and therefore, the educational guidelines that work with some may be ineffective with others. At the same time, it is important to remember that social conditions have changed, this means that what was normal only a few decades ago, now may be anachronistic and even harmful to children.

4. “My children will do all that I couldn’t”

This idea is common among those who were not supported by their parents that forced them to do something they didn’t want. As a result, they believe having lost the “opportunity of a lifetime” and fail to turn the page, but continue to accumulate frustration and resentment. So, they try to get a second chance through their children and encourage them from an early age to do things that please them, enrolling children in extracurricular activities that interest them, not their children.

It is likely that the child has definitely some potential and talent in a specific area, but maybe he’s not interested and feels passion about something else. Insisting in this direction means committing the same mistake of the parents, but without realizing it. Each child is unique, and the role of parents is to guide them to discover their strengths and passions, but it must be him to decide in which direction go. Deciding in his place means take him away an opportunity.

5. “I will never let that something bad happens to my children”

Parents who had bad experiences during childhood tend to develop an overprotective educational style. It is understandable, they think the world is a hostile place and need to protect their children. They don’t want their children to live the same experiences, and tend to remove all obstacles from their path, to make sure they live an idyllic childhood.

Obviously, we don’thave to traumatize children or expose them to unnecessary risks, but we must not forget that the resilience develops only facing difficult situations. This means that when there’s a problem, instead of hiding it and solve it, parents should encourage the child to find solutions and make decisions. This is the best gift that you can give them, because this way you give them the psychological tools they need to face the challenges of life, which probably will be many and from which you couldn’t always protect them.

Learn to turn the page


Many of these attitudes, which are reflected in the educational style of parents, hide a wound that has not healed. These parents are not able to make peace with their childhood, with the experiences, decisions and behaviors of their parents. Consequently, they still drag the influence, often without realizing it, and think that they are helping their children.

To eliminate these limiting ideas, the first step is you realize their existence, and understand how to express themselves through the daily relationship with your kids. Then you should let the wounds heal, let go the resentment. You'll see that, little by little, you will be assuming the upbringing of your children from a different perspective.

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Jennifer Delgado Suárez

Psicologist by profession and passion, dedicated to to string words together. Discover my Books

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