More ArticlesDevelopmental psychology

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Wisdom also means ignoring anything that is not worth it

personal growth

Our brain can give us an extraordinary lesson of life.

When we sleep the brain makes a sort of tabula rasa. To learn, it is necessary to establish new connections, or synapses, between neurons. These connections allow neurons to send signals to each other quickly and efficiently. In these networks is where we memorize the new memories and abilities we learn.

However, some neuroscients from the University of Wisconsin-Madison have found that synapses grow fast during the day, and are cut during the night. Our brain automatically makes a selection of the information that it needs to memorize and discard the rest.

The curious fact is that by deleting all unnecessary information, the worthwhile memories are better stored. The psychologists at Johns Hopkins University saw that when this process does not happen, our memories become more confused. Additionally, selective forgetting is essential to subtract emotional impact to the events that occur during the day.

This process which is occurring naturally offers us a great lesson: keeping old grudges, fueling frustrations, reviving dramas, and giving too much importance to things that do not deserve it, creates only chaos and dissatisfaction. The wisest thing to do is to learn to ignore all that is not worth it that can affect our inner peace.

Five things you can choose to ignore to be happier


A Buddhist saying states that "only what we care about can damage us". It is not the situations, but the meaning we give them and how we react, what determines their impact on us. So if we want to protect our emotional balance, we must learn to ignore a few things.

Ignorance does not mean adopting a passive attitude, nor will we stop dealing with certain situations, it means learning to give importance to things that really deserve it and minimize the impact of things that should not have such an important presence in our lives.

Ignoring, in this case, is not synonymous with lack of knowledge, but involves a conscious act, it means removing from our conscience those insignificant things that only make us sick. It does not mean ignoring or hiding problems, but freeing the mind from all that takes space unnecessarily to make room for what really matters.

1. Offenses and destructive criticisms. Remember that unhealthy criticism says more of the person who criticizes than of who is being criticized. Do not let critique and contempt affect your self-esteem. Remember that when you spend too much time worrying about the opinion that others have about you, or what they want you to be, you forget who you really are.

2. People who want to relieve their emotional misery on you. There are people who act like real garbage trucks who want to relieve on you their fears, frustrations, anger or anxiety. Don’t leave them do it. Learn to identify them and create a protective shield.

3. The little frustrations of everyday life. A bad day is just a bad day. It comes and goes. There is no reason to remain locked in those little frustrations. If you learn to ignore those bickers immediately, you will realize that you can resume your routine with more serenity. If you accumulate them you will end up carrying a very heavy burden. It's just to put them in perspective and you’ll realize that it's not worth to ruin your day for these bickering.

4. Your negative internal dialogue. Often your mind becomes your worst enemy. Therefore, in many cases, you must learn to mute the noise you have inside, the obsessive thoughts of failure, fears and anxiety. In most cases, this inner dialogue comes from the expectations that others have put on you. In fact, you’ll probably find out that you repeat the sentences you’ve been told by your parents, teachers or partners. If those phrases do not allow you to go ahead and do not make you feel good, ignore them all, they will slowly disappear with the passing of time.

5. Situations you can’t control.
Taoism encourages us to flow, not to force situations. Which does not mean being passive but learning how to identify the opportunities to act and know when something is counterproductive. There are many things that are beyond your reach, trying to control them creates unnecessary tensions. Therefore, there are times when you have to forget everything that might go wrong and start trusting in the flow of life.

An exercise to learn to ignore what's hurting you


It is not easy to ignore certain things, certain people, certain situations... we do not always perceive what can hurt us and end up grabbing us to it. Other times, it means break ties, change our way of thinking and our attitudes, something that is not easy and requires a great deal of courage.

Anyway, I encourage you to do this simple exercise:

Take a pencil or any small object that can’t be broken. Hold it in your hand and tighten it tight. Imagine that this object is one of the emotions, feelings, or people that bother you and your hand represents your mind or consciousness.

At first, everything will look a little strange, but gradually you will feel less uncomfortable and the object will look familiar to you. But if you keep tightening the object it will end up hurting you.

Now, open your hand and let the object fall to the ground. Realize that you were the one who grabbed the object, it was not attached to your hand. The same applies to your emotions, feelings, and people who can harm you.

The problem is that we grab so strongly these situations that we forget to let them go when we have to. In fact, when we experience anger or sadness, we say "I'm sad" or "I'm angry", which represents an identification with these states and implies being attached to them. Instead, we should say "I feel sad" or "I feel angry" and learn to let go.

How to apply this idea of ​​ignoring everything that hurt us?


- Do not take things to a personal level. Many of the things that happen to us are not personal. Taking them to this level means that you are giving it too much importance and you are allowing it to affect your emotional balance. Therefore, it is essential to protect that space and allow entering only the things that really matter to you.

- Do not miss the perspective. Immersed in the small problems of everyday life, it is easy to overcome these small dissatisfaction and stumbling blocks so you end up losing your compass. Always remember to keep your perspective, focus on what defines you, your goals, and what really excites you. Do not let trivialities deprive you of being happy today.

- Take a step back. When you feel that emotions take control, take a step back. Stop, take a couple of minutes and get the control. Think about why this situation is generating these emotions. You are probably exaggerating or you are giving it more importance than it has. Breathe and let go.

- Anchor yourself to the present. If you feel bad, it is probably for something that has already happened, which belongs to the past. Therefore, it does not make much sense to continue to feed these feelings. To let them go, you just need to hold the present. Focus on all the positive things you have now. The key is to learn to get out of the past.


Sources:
Diering, G. H. et. Al. (2017) Homer1a drives homeostatic scaling-down of excitatory synapses during sleep. Science; 355(6324): 511-515.
Vivo, L. et. Al. (2017) Ultrastructural evidence for synaptic scaling across the wake/sleep cycle. Science; 355(6324): 507-510.
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Monday, June 19, 2017

Here's what happens in your brain when you read a poem

neuropsychology

Poems are darts in form of words that go straight to the emotional part of our brain. There are poems that give rise to a real emotional tsunami and give us shivers, such as Rainer Maria Rilke's "First Elegia", here are some verses:

"Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror,

which we still are just able to endure,

and we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.

Every angel is terrifying."


Rilke describes the terror we experience when we acquire a wider knowledge, at that time we realize our limits and the complexity of the world, and we realize everything we do not understand and we can’t understand. It is a beautiful and seductive possibility but also terrible.

Poetry has the ability to send powerful emotional messages and activate reflection, though it is true that the greatest pleasure of reading a poem, as when we enjoy a work of art, does not come from profound reflection, but from the sensations we experience. In fact, Vladimir Nabokov said that one should not read with the heart or the brain, but with the body.

The Max Planck Institute Empirical Aesthetics Researchers decided to further explore how poetry affects our brain, and the results of their study are fascinating.

Poetry generates more pleasure in the brain than music


The researchers asked a group of people, some of whom often read poems, to hear poems read aloud. Some of the poems belonged to famous German poets such as Friedrich Schiller, Theodor Fontane and Otto Ernst, although the participants could choose some works, including those of authors such as William Shakespeare, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Friedrich Nietzsche, Edgar Allan Poe, Paul Celan and Rilke.

While volunteers listened to the poems, the researchers monitored their heart rate, facial expressions, and even hair movements on the skin. Also, when people had shivers they had to report it by pressing a button.

It is interesting to note that all people, even those who did not read poems, reported having had shivers during the reading and 40% said they had multiple goat skin. These reactions are similar to what we experience when we listen to music or watch a scene of a movie that has a strong emotional impact.

However, neurological responses to poetry were not the only ones. The data showed that listening to poems triggered parts of the brain that remain "off" when we listen to music or watch movies.

The neuroscientists discovered that poetry creates a state that they called "pre-chill"; that is, that provokes a reaction of pleasure that slowly grows to the extent that the verses are heard. In fact, instead of getting suddenly excited, as when we hear a song, poetry generates an emotional crescendo that begins with 4.5 seconds before we perceive the thrill.

It is interesting to note that emotional peaks were mainly produced in certain positions within the poems, as at the end of the verses and, above all, at the end of the poem. This is a very interesting discovery, especially if one considers that 77% of the participants who had never heard a poem showed the same neurological reactions and signs anticipating the critical points, emotionally speaking, of the reading.

Poetry stimulates memory, facilitates introspection and relaxes


The neuroscientists of the University of Exeter scanned the brain of a group of participants while reading various content, from a heating installation manual to the suggestive passages of some novels, rhythmic sonnets and their favorite poetry.

The researchers discovered that our brain processes poetry differently from how it manages the prose. A "reading network" is activated, involving a number of particular areas, including those associated with emotional processing, which are mainly activated with music.

It was also seen that poetry stimulates the areas of the brain associated with memory and parts of the brain, such as the back crawler cortex and medial temporal lobes, which are areas that are predominantly activated when we are relaxed or immersed in ourselves.

This shows that there is something very special in the poetic form that generates pleasure. In fact, poetry is a very special literary expression that transmits feelings, thoughts, and ideas by accentuating metric restrictions, rhyme and alliterations.

Therefore, it is not too much to include a poem in our daily routine...


Sources:
Wassiliwizky, E. et. Al. (2017) The emotional power of poetry: neural circuitry, psychophysiology, compositional principles. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience.
Zeman, A. Z. et. Al. (2013) By heart. An fMRI study of brain activation by poetry and prose. Journal of Consciousness Studies; 20(9-10): 132-158.
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Friday, June 16, 2017

The poisoned arrow: The Buddhist parable that puts us in front of our worst mistake

personal growth

Buddha, pursuing enlightenment, also sought to understand how to free us from ignorance and suffering. Like other great wise men of the past, he proposed a practical philosophy that encourages us to focus on the simplest things, as a way to achieve higher goals. Taoism summed it up perfectly in one sentence: a thousand miles journey begins with a single step. However, in everyday life we ​​find it difficult to apply these teachings.

The parable of the poisoned arrow


In Majjhima Nikaya, a collection of texts attributed to Buddha that are part of the Pali Canon, we can find the "Parable of the Poisoned Arrow". Gautama Buddha told this story to a disciple who was eager to hear from the teacher the answers to the "14 unanswered questions" related to metaphysical issues such as life after death.

"There was once a man who was hurt by a poisoned arrow.

The family and friends wanted to get him a doctor but the patient refused, saying that he first wanted to know the name of the man who had wounded him, the caste to which he belonged and his country of origin.

He also wanted to know if the man was tall and strong if he had a light or dark skin and he wished to know what kind of bow wounded him, whether the rope was made of bamboo, hemp or silk.

He said he wanted to know if the feather of the arrow belonged to a hawk, vulture or peacock...

And he wondered if the bow that had been used to strike him was a common bow, curved or made with oleander and any other kind of information, the man died without knowing the answers".


By reading the parable the first idea that comes to mind is that the wounded man's attitude is absurd and senseless. However, Buddha is telling us that we all behave in the same way without realizing it.

In a sense, we are all hurt with this poisoned arrow because sooner or later we will die. But we live without being fully aware of our mortality, so we often over-emphasize insignificant things that prevent us from enjoying the present and sink us into a state of unnecessary concern.

Great lifelong lessons


- Focus on what's really happening to you

On many occasions, to solve a problem, it's important not to get lost in divagations, we have to act. Usually these fears and uncertainties are hidden behind these reflections. When we face a problem and lose sight of the details, though we know what the definitive solution is, is because we are afraid of something. But remember that long-term warm solutions only serve to generate more problems and create a state of inner dissatisfaction.

In other cases, we activate defense mechanisms such as projection or transfer, by which we move the problem out of us, or we try to hide it. Usually this happens because we do not want to accept that we are part of the problem, and therefore to solve the problem we must first work on ourselves. In any case, the proper strategy is to not distract the attention, it is important to understand what is really happening to us and learn to prioritize the here and now.

- Take a step at a time

The mind can become our best ally or our worst enemy. We can use it to solve problems positively or we can use it negatively to find a problem for each solution. To live with less anguish and stress the key is to go one step at a time. This does not mean we can not anticipate the problems, but we must make sure that we do not feed a catastrophic way of thinking.

Focus on the present, carefully evaluate the situation you are in and move on step by step, that step will not take you directly to your destination, but at least it will move you from where you are. Live day by day, as if every day was the first and the last of your life.

- Let it all flow and that nothing influence you

Sometimes we remain prisoners of troubles, even though these have already been resolved or are part of the past, because they remain in our minds, causing frustration, rage, and resentment. When we cling to what has happened, when we do not let those emotions and feelings go away, they transform us into their slaves.

In this regard, a study at Harvard University found that we spend 47% of waking hours thinking about what happened to us or what could happen to us. This "wandering mind" leads us to overly worry and to be unhappy. The best antidote is to focus on the present and express gratitude for what we have and are. So we will succeed in subtracting negative impact from experiences and we will achieve the balance.

- Eliminate everything that is useless

Leonardo da Vinci said that "simplicity is the utmost refinement" and was not wrong. Throughout our lives, we take on many things that only serve to create chaos and take energy away. When you realize that you can live without these and be happier, you will be able to appreciate more of what you have and you will get rid of a great deal of weight.

Eliminating anything that does not serve also refers to feelings, beliefs, stereotypes and dreams that do not belong to you and are just obstacles. When you look inside you, you're amazed to find that many of the phrases in your inner dialogue are not really yours, but you have been inculcated. Make mental cleansing and get rid of emotions that hurt you, like resentment for a past event, anxiety about something that will probably never happen and the fear of losing what you have. If we move on with a lighter luggage we will not only get further, but we will also enjoy more the journey.


Source:
Killingsworth, M. A. & Gilbert, D. T. (2010) A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science; 330(6006): 932.
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Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Those who shines of their own light bother those who live in the darkness

personal growth

"A man in the village of Neguá, on the coast of Colombia, managed to climb to heaven.

When he returned he told his experience. He said he had contemplated human life from above.

And he said we are a sea of ​​small fires.

-The world like that - he explained - a lot of people, a sea of ​​small fires.

Every person shines with their own light among all others. There are no two fires equal. There are big and small fires and fires of all colors. There are people of clear fire who do not even realize the wind, and people with crazy fire filling the air with sparkles. Some fires, stupid fires, do not light up or even burn, while others burn life with so much passion that they can’t be overlooked, and whoever approaches them is turned on".


This beautiful story by the writer Eduardo Galeano that appears in his book "The Book of Hugs" shows the differences between people. There are self-confident people who have built a good self-esteem and are overwhelmed with energy, and is pleasant to have them close by.

There are other people who have never managed to grow up and end up being consumed in resentment, envy, hatred and rancor. These people usually bother those who are shining with their own light and sometimes can also try to do everything possible to turn off that light.

What does it mean to have our own light?


During some periods of life we let others illuminate us with their light. These people give us a hand when we need them most, they give us the tools to deal with the difficulties and help us solve the problems. Next to them we learn and grow.

However, it is wrong to live continuously in the light of others. Everyone must learn to cultivate their own light, which means nourishing their dreams and illusions, strengthening their abilities and cultivating their true "self". If you do not feed your light you will end up disappointed with life, accumulating frustrations and dissatisfaction will turn you into a bitter person.

To shine on your own light it is essential that:

- You are an authentic and coherent person. We all have a different light that makes us unique and special, but if we don’t make sure to feed it, it will end turned off. The best way to shine on your own light is to be yourself, looking every day to be the best version of you.

- Do not hide your dark side. The dark sides, understood as "defects", mistakes or failures, are not a reason to be ashamed of and we don’t need to hide them. The dark sides that come to light ends up to become lights, those we keep hiding can end by shutting off our light. There is nothing special being proud of successes, but be proud of how you managed to overcome the obstacles and you got up after a fall.

How to protect yourself from the people who turn off the lights?


There are people who do not stand others shining, as if that light dazzled them. So they can try to make you believe that you are not worthy of certain things, that your efforts are not worth it or that you could do much better.

They can also cast very painful criticisms or even attack you where it hurts the most, using emotional manipulation. The problem is that these people carry a lot of frustration with them, and this causes them to project their own obscurity on others and give others the responsibility of what they have not been able to accomplish.

If you do not build a shield that protects you from their words and attitudes, these attacks are likely to turn off your light, which means that you will adopt their negative and defective way of seeing life and you too will want to turn off the light of those who surrounds you.

The three pillars of this shield are:

1. Learn to ignore. Perhaps some of the people who are bothered by your light are friends or colleagues. Instead of getting angry with them, assume that they are different people with different life experiences who are perhaps not even fully aware of the damage can make their comments and attitudes. Learn to ignore everything that does not allow you to grow. Remember that you can only be hurt by what you have given value to.

2. Cultivate the sense of humor. There is no more powerful weapon against problems, unhealthy criticisms, and attempts to denigrate a person than the sense of humor. Do not assume everything as something personal, learn to laugh at what should make you feel uncomfortable, angry or denigrated. The sense of humor is the tool of intelligent people to protect themselves and not allow others to harm their self-esteem.

3. Continue to be yourself. Do not change your way of being to please others, because this is the most direct path to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. You can adapt your behavior without sacrificing your essence. Keep in mind that the most effective tools to counteract negativity are happiness and the fact that you feel good about yourself.

And whenever you can, project some of your light on the others. You will not be poorer, but richer, because the inner light, the more it spreads, the more it grows. And always remember that those who shine with their own light do not need to turn off the light of others.
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Monday, June 12, 2017

Children notice what the adults don’t see

developmental psychology

Sometimes the alleged immaturity and limitations of childhood can turn into the strong point of children. In fact, an increasing number of studies force us to rethink the infantile phase as the development of some cognitive functions causes the loss of other abilities. Such is the case with attention.

The more we develop the selective attention the much more we overlook the details


As we grow our cognitive functions get mature, as a result of the increasing complexity and differentiation of the brain structures. However, the development is not a straight line and can produce also a kind of evolutionary reversal, particularly in the field of attention.

Even if adults can prove to be better in most cognitive activities, sometimes the limitations resulting from the immaturity of brain connections that characterize the brain of children can be a point in their favor.

This is what has been discovered by some psychologists at Ohio University, who saw that adults are very good at selecting and retrieving information, but only to those who were asked to pay attention because they tend to ignore everything else. In practice, the adults focus on the trees and lose the sight of the forest. On the contrary, 4 and 5 year-olds children tend to pay attention to everything that is shown to them, whether it is important or not for the task.

The purpose of these psychologists was to compare the ability to process adult and child information through various attentive tasks. In the first study they worked with 35 adults and 34 children between 4 and 5 years old. The researchers presented to them an image with two opposing figures and later, another series of images in which they were to find the pattern that appeared in the first image.

As expected, adults were more able to identify the target model that they were asked to pay attention to. 94% of adults surveyed it accurately compared to 86% of children. However, the children were better off in recognizing the other model that in theory they had to ignore. 77% of children recognized it in some figures, compared with 63% of the adults.

What happened is that the children paid more attention to all the details of the images, regardless of the relevance of the different elements. Conversely, adults focused solely on finding the best solution to quickly solve the task.

This is not the first study that comes to this conclusion because in a very similar experiment that compared the visual memory of some five-year-old children to that of some college students, the psychologists found that 31% of children recognized correctly some models that were not asked to look to while among the students only 7% were able to do it.

Selective Attention vs. Distributed attention


This natural mechanism would allow children to notice things that we are unable to see because of what we know as "selective attention", which develops after the age of 7 when the maturation of the frontal lobes allows to implement a more effective selection of environmental information.

The selective attention is the ability to select and focus on a single stimulus among all those in the environment. This process can be considered as a "filter" that allows us to reduce the amount of incoming information, deciding what to process and what is relevant to the task we must accomplish, and ultimately what is irrelevant and must be ignored.

Children, with their innate curiosity and the tendency to explore everything around them, have a different mind-boggling mechanism, even when asked to focus on a very specific aspect of the environment. In some cases this mechanism can be very useful and beneficial. In fact, selective attention offers us advantages such as the ability to quickly and efficiently select information, but it also involves a number of disadvantages because it ignores many details.

Instead, the distributed attention of children helps to better understand the surrounding environment by simultaneously processing information from different sources. Obviously, the processing is slower and less efficient because it involves a huge amount of cognitive resources to capture and process each stimulus.

In short, the selectivity of the more mature systems of attention is an advantage in some cases and a disadvantage in others. In fact, when we walk, it is more convenient to activate the distributed attention as it will allow us to enjoy more the environment. That's why children often point things along a walk, making us aware of details that adults had not seen, like a flower, a tree, a dog, a squirrel on the trail, or just a special shape.


Sources:
Hanania, R., & Smith, L. B. (2010) Selective attention and attention switching: Towards a unified developmental approach. Developmental Science; 13(4): 622-635.
Plebanek, D. J. & Sloutsky, V. M. (2017) Costs of selective attention: when children notice what adults miss. Psychological Science.
Sloutsky, V. M. & Fisher, A. V. (2004) When development and learning decrease memory. Evidence against category-based induction in children. Psychological Science; 15(8): 553-558.
Plude, D. J. et. Al. (1994) The development of selective attention: A life-span overview. Acta Psychologica; 86(2): 227-272.
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Friday, June 9, 2017

What reveals of you the way you walk

curiosities

If we see a man walking into a bar with a spit as John Wayne, we might assume that he is a self-confident person, the classic "tough one". In fact, we can’t help but draw conclusions about the personality based on small signs as the way of walking. It's not even a bad thing, it's a strategy we use unconsciously to know if we're safe or in danger. In practice, our senses constantly monitor the little clues that send others to send them to the brain that decides if it is a friend or an enemy, this process is the basis for forming the first impression.

One of the first researches on the way of walking and personality dates back to 1935. German psychologist Werner Wolff filmed five men and three women without their knowledge. Everyone wore a raincoat to prevent anyone seeing the video from drawing conclusions from clothes, and the images were also modified by eliminating the heads of the people.

Then the researchers asked a group of volunteers to see the video and try to imagine the personality of the walkers. The psychologist discovered in this way that the participants formed easily impressions on the others by the way they walked, and even more interesting: they often coincided with their judgments.

For example, some people described one of the walkers with phrases like "pretentious and unbiased", "someone who wants to attract attention at all cost," "a presumptuous person who wants to be admired" and "an insecure person pretending to look secure in front of others".

It is surely surprising that the participants formed similar impressions.

What do swaying hips mean?


Over the last few years, more sophisticated experiments have been carried out using digital technology, so that a person's walking path turns into a series of moving points on the screen, eliminating any further signal that can give us clues about his personality .

Using this approach, a group of American psychologists discovered at the end of the 1980s that there are basically two ways of walking: a younger and an older way of moving. The "young" movement implies a more vibrant rhythm, swaying hips, wide arms movements and longer footsteps, while the "old" implies hard and slower movements with a greater incline forward.

But the interesting thing is that these ways of walking do not necessarily correspond to the actual age of the person. External observers discovered that people who walked in a younger style were happier and safer, an idea that remained when they were shown their faces and bodies.

This research shows again how quickly we judge the others based on their way of walking, although this study has not proved that such hypotheses were true. To do this, we have to turn to another study published recently, in which the personality traits were compared with the hypotheses that people advanced by relying solely on the way of walking.

The results suggest once again that there are two styles, an expansive and free one related to an adventurous spirit, extraversion, reliability, and warmth; while the other style was slow and relaxed, which was interpreted as a sign of emotional balance. However, the surprise came later, because these features did not precisely describe people.

Therefore, the psychologists concluded that we are better judges based on the faces and the way we dress, but we can draw the wrong conclusions if we consider only the way of walking without having more details of the person.

Your way of walking can increase the risk of getting assaulted


In Psychology things are never white or black. In real life, we do not see a series of points on the computer that imitate the shape of walking but we see the person as a whole. Therefore, other studies have indicated that some people are able to detect a person's vulnerability by the way he is walking. The "vulnerable" style is characterized by a shorter step, a limited swing of the arm, and a slow walk. In fact, it has been noted that psychopaths are particularly good at identifying people who have suffered assaults in the past simply by looking at how they walk along a corridor.

It seems that detainees are particularly able to develop this ability and that many men use it to identify women with vulnerable personality, with traits such as introversion and emotional instability. In fact, some research suggests that when women do not feel secure in some places they tend to take longer steps, walk faster and move their arms more boldly.

Therefore, your way of walking can reveal some clue about your personality. However, attributing certain personality traits to a person based solely on his own way of walking can give us a distorted perspective by developing stereotypes that do not exactly match reality.


Sources:Gunns, R. E. et. Al. (2002) Victim Selection and Kinematics: A Point-Light Investigation of Vulnerability to Attack. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior; 26(3): 129–158.Doyen, S. et. Al. (2012) Behavioral Priming: It's All in the Mind, but Whose Mind? PlosOne.Argyle M. (1988) Bodily Communication. Londres: Routledge.Grayson, B. & Stein, M. I. (1981) Attracting Assault: Victims' Nonverbal Cues. Journal of Communication; 31(1): 68.Wolff, W. (1935) Involuntary self-expression in gait and others movements: An experimental study. Journal of Personality; 3(4): 327–344.
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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Life changes when you give up expecting

growth

The overwhelming majority of people live trapped between the past and the future, so they let the present escape from them. Many believe that when they get the desired promotion they will be happier, that when they find a partner they will finally be complete, that when they are retired they will be able to do what they want...

This way they live accumulating expectations for the future. They stop thinking about how to improve their current situation and imagine living in tomorrow. They focus on how they should live or how they would like to live, not realizing that they are just staking a claim on the present. Consequently, when they speak, the conversation is a constant complaint that includes all the misfortunes and frustrations of their daily lives.

Therefore, expecting something from the future by forgetting the present becomes a rope with which hands and feet are tied. So, if we want our lives to change, the first step, which is also the hardest to do, is to stop waiting.

What should you stop waiting for?


- Stop waiting for something from the others. Even though people around you love you and consider you, they have their own needs, dreams and illusions, so you can’t expect them to always meet your expectations. In fact, when you free them from the yoke of expectation, you also free yourself. When you do not claim anything, what you are given will grow spontaneously and you will learn to appreciate it more. Also, do not expect too much from the others, learn to trust yourself and feel much safer.

- Stop waiting for everything to be perfect. If you expect the conditions to be perfect to make the big step and make the decision, you're likely to stay where you are. The perfect moment does not exist, it is often a creation of the fear that is obsessing our mind. When we are afraid or we are in danger, we console ourselves with the idea that conditions are not the most favorable. Of course, it's not about launching in the vacuum without a parachute, but if there's something you really want, do not wait, go ahead and take the first steps. Stop waiting for the perfect moment and get yourself to work creates an incredible feeling of power and makes you notice that the true architect of your life is you.

- Stop pretending too much from yourself. Often, the expectations that we carry on our shoulders crush us. The curious thing is that they often tend to be the expectations our parents and adults had on us, so maybe it's time to get rid of them. It's okay to plan new challenges and goals, but if they get you a lot of tension, to the point of damaging your well-being, maybe you're pretending too much from yourself. Living every day making sure you enjoy it reduces the stress and, curiously, just when you free your expectations, you reach the maximum potential because you feel much freer to do what you have always wanted and dreamed of. Remember that you are a unique and extraordinary person, you do not need to adapt to the expectations of others.

- Stop waiting too much from the future. Living in the future means getting away from the present, which is where your life takes place. Begin to love what you are and feel satisfied with this. This does not mean that you do not have to work to improve and achieve other goals, but if you feel already happy, the way to your new goals will be much more enjoyable because you know that your happiness does not depend solely on these. We can’t know what the future holds for us, but we know what we have in the present, make sure you get the most out of it and be grateful for all the little things in life.

What changes do you make when you stop waiting?


- Take control of your life, you are aware that your decisions, actions, and attitudes have consequences and determine your path.

- Begin to take small steps that will take you in the right direction instead of being stuck in a vicious circle of complaints.

- You get rid of a huge weight, because you get rid of all the expectations that have been a brake on your development.

- You realize that although you can get more things and have other goals, you can feel grateful for what you are and you have.

- You stop to feel frustrated because you do not have so many expectations, stops will be less tough. You will also learn to value more the unexpected gifts.

- You will begin to flow with the changes that are happening around you, which means that you are in tune with the world and you can better use the opportunities that this offers you.

In any case, do not expect to have everything to enjoy life, you already have life to enjoy everything.
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Monday, June 5, 2017

The best gift for children is our TIME

education

Remember what made you feel special when you were a child? It is likely that those moments you shared with your parents were when you felt loved and accepted. However, 70% of today's parents claim to have little time to play with their children. According to a study by the Children's Play Observatory, children spend only 10% of their time with their parents, although 60% of the younger want their parents to share time with them. So, when we spend time with children, it's important to make sure it's quality time.

The infinite solitude of children


It came the night, but the boy was struggling against sleep, he wanted to be awake because waiting for his dad. His malicious eyes were closing when the door of the room opened.

- Dad, can I ask you a question?

- Yes, sure.

- Dad, how much money do you earn in one hour? He asked with his eyes wide open.

His father, angry and tired, answered sharply.

- This is not your business, why do you ask me?

- I just wanted to know, please tell me how much you earn in an hour?

The father replied bothered.

-100 Euros per hour.

The child became sad.

- So, can I ask you to lend me 50 Euros?

The father became furious.

- If you wanted to know how much I earn to ask for money and buy a stupid toy then stay in your room, do not go out and think about why you're so selfish. I work hard every day and I do not like having to deal with such a childish behavior.

The child remained silent. The father came out of the room wondering how his son might have asked him this.

The next morning, when he was quieter, he realized that he did not really know why his son asked him for money. After all, the baby did not ask for money so often. So before he left for work he asked him:

- Maybe I was too tough with you. Yesterday I had a hard day's work. Here are the 50 Euros you asked for.

The baby smiled radiant.

- Oh, thank you daddy!

- He ran into his room and returned with several coins and a few crumpled notes. His father, seeing that the boy already had some money, turned angry again. The boy slowly counted his money, and then looked at his father.

- Why do you want more money if you already have enough?

- Because I did not have enough, but now yes, he said with enthusiasm. - Dad, I now have 100 Euros. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please try to get home early today, I'd like to play and dine with you.

His father broke his heart. He hug his son and asked him to forgive him.


Remember that the best way to invest our time is to do it in the family, with the people next to us and in our hearts. If we die tomorrow, in a few days someone will replace us at work, but for the family and the children we leave behind, it will be an eternal loss. Enhance the time you spend with your family, because there is nothing more precious. And be sure to let your children know how much you love them.

It is not enough to love, it is necessary to prove this feeling


1. Turn off the phone. When you come home, switch off the phone and spend at least half an hour with your children. The little ones will be very happy to know that they have the utmost attention, without being distracted by the messages. In fact, 33% of children complain that their parents spend most of their time on the phone. Giving them the utmost care will ensure that every minute is worth it. That way you're telling them that for you are very important.

2. Turn off the TV and all devices during meals. When the whole family is sitting at the table, it is important that nothing compete for the attention of parents and children, such as TV commercials or incoming messages. At the table you can create very pleasant moments, in addition, disconnecting all the devices will allow you to enjoy more of the food and the company.

3. Make sure the time to go to sleep is magical. Small children, in particular, will have precious memories of those minutes when you cover up the blankets and read them a story. This habit is not only comforting, but also creates a very special and intimate bond and reading also stimulates children's brain development.

4. Do not miss kisses, hugs, and caresses.
Children need physical contact, especially when they are small. Through kisses, hugs and caresses you show them love and affection. The benefits of hugs are enormous and stimulate the production of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and oxytocin, which will make them feel more relaxed and enhance the confidence and emotional bond. A child who feels loved will be a child who loves and believes in himself, who is not ashamed to show his affection.

5. Talk to him looking into his eyes.
The best way to communicate with children is to look straight at the eyes. Visual contact is very important because it catches the attention, which is usually widespread in the early years. It also allows you to establish a more personal connection. So, when children are small, it is advisable for parents to get close to talk to them, so to be at their level.

6. Make him take part in the decision making process. Many parents believe that their children are too immature to decide. Although it is true that they do not have a lot of life experience, this does not mean they do not have their tastes and preferences. Therefore, as far as possible, ask their opinion on the decisions that concern them. So the child will feel appreciated and will develop a healthy self-esteem, and in the future will be a secure person that will not allow others to decide for him.

7. Play with him. One of the most beautiful memories of childhood is related to play. Even if children grow up and have their teammates, the pleasure of playing with their parents can’t be replaced. It is interesting to note that many children said that they felt their parents did too many things and their days were too programmed. Sometimes you have to spend time together just to play and have fun, without any plan, letting everything flow naturally. In fact, the game does not only benefit children, but also parents, because it helps them relieve stress and forget about everyday worries.

8. Offer you small signs of affection. There must be no a reason to tell your son you love him. Do not get tired of telling it and always offer small signs of affection. Write nice notes, offer small gifts made with your hands... This way the child will learn to appreciate even the small details.

9. Celebrate his achievements and efforts. Never denigrate his results, whether small, celebrate them and encourage him to continue striving. However, remember that praising him too much can ruin his self-esteem, so it is essential to give importance to his efforts rather than his basic abilities. This is one of the greatest gifts you can make to him in his life.

10. Discipline with love. Children need some rules and laws as these help them to stay safe and make sense of their world and tell them what you expect from them. But you must make sure you punish the bad behavior, not your child. Never condition your love to his behavior with phrases like "if you become a bad kid I won’t love you anymore". Tell him you love him, even though what he did is wrong. It is possible to discipline with love.
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